Dear Rihanna,

Forget Chris Brown. What kind of bitch hits a girl? Ok, so sure, he can dance. And? Can he protect you from paparazzi’s? Can he open that one jar of pickles that’s closed really, really tight? Can he shade you in the summer and warm you in the winter? Can he cook tamales? No.

But I can.

About me: I like shopping for clothes and kicks, listening to obscure music that makes me feel deep and cool, have the entire series of M.A.S.H. on DVD, I’m addicted to the History channel and Discovery channel, and have awesome handwriting, and pretty decent teeth. Plus, I’m tall, so if you get bored and hyper, you could literally climb me, and I can be your tree. Think of how awesome that would be? You can’t climb that shrub of a girl beater, Chris Brown. Also, think of this: any good looking young Hollywood starlette such as yourself can date douchey pretty boys, but how many do you see dating the rugged, roughneck types? Look at how cool Sandra Bullock looks with Jesse James?

Anyways, all I’m trying to say, is take a chance on a good ol’ Southern boy.

Jus’ sayin’.

Sincerely,

Remix

Oh yeah, the song and video are dope.